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Terapeutul meu…

Terapeutul meu…

Am 31 ani si din luna octombrie pana in ianuarie 2012 am avut nevoie de un psihoterapeut. El este barbat in varsta de 41 ani, de nationalitate italiana. Dupa ce am terminat sedintele, am inceput sa ne trimitem mesaje pe Facebook la initiativa mea. Genul mesajelor era jocuri si flirt-uri, care a durat cam o luna. Dupa aceasta luna eu m-am indragostit de el si i-am propus o aventura, dar el a refuzat. Motivul refuzului – “sunt intr-o relatie cu o persoana pe care o iubesc in mod absolut, si nu o insel. M-am gandit sa ma intalnesc cu tine dar am ajuns la concluzia ca ti-as face mai mult rau decat bine”. Dupa inca 3 saptamani de pauza de la acest refuz eu i-am propus o relatie la distanta pe internet, datorita faptului ca in acest moment locuim in tari diferite, nici nu ar fi cu putinta un altfel de relatie. Si el a acceptat. Tipul relatiei este nedefinit, vorbim despre sentimente, lucruri personale, carti, animale, sex , totul. Eu i-am spus ca il iubesc, si ca daca el considera necesar sa intrerupa relatia este liber sa o faca. Dar fara un raspuns de confirmare sau infirmare am continuat relatia. El nu mi-a spus niciodata care ar fi sentimentele lui pentru mine, si toate incercarile mele de a pune o eticheta relatiei sau de a defini acest raport sunt tratate din partea lui cu tacere sau cu refuzul de a raspunde sau de a vorbi despre asta. Intrebarea mea pentru dumneavoastra este: cat de sanatoasa este aceasta relatie? Care este parerea dumneavoastra despre acest raport? Din punct de vedere etic este interzisa o astfel de relatie? Credeti ca sentimentele mele de iubire sunt de fapt “transfer”? Ce credeti ca gandeste sau simte el, si de ce accepta si continua aceasta relatie cu mine?

Intrebare pusa de: negura, 31

Raspunsul psihologului:

Sunt mai multe intrebari pe masa si am sa incerc sa le adresez pe toate, pe unele pe (foarte) scurt, pe altele mai pe larg.

1) Referitor la ce gandeste si simte el, nu se pot face decat speculatii si nu vreau sa fac asta. Nici nu cred ca ar fi de vreun folos.
2) Da, exista un cod deontologic care interzice relatiile intime intre psihoterapeuti si pacientii lor, considerandu-le neetice. Dar simplul faptul ca stii de existenta unui astfel de cod deontologic nu ajuta prea mult atunci cand este vorba de sentimente. Codul deontologic te poate pune mai mult in garda, dar nu poate anula sentimentele.
3) Indiferent ca sentimentele tale sunt sau nu “transfer”, asta nu le face mai putin reale.

Sunt insa cateva lucruri pe care vreau sa le mentionez aici si asupra carora, cred eu, este util, este de ajutor sa reflectezi.

O femeie merge la un psihoterapeut pentru a vorbi despre problemele ei, despre ceea ce o nelinisteste. Sunt probleme de suflet, sunt ganduri secrete, nespuse poate pana atunci nimanui. Iar el, psihoterapeutul, o asculta atent, fara sa o judece, o asculta asa cum rar a ascultat-o vreodata cineva (pentru ca asta e meseria lui si asta a fost antrenat sa faca). Inevitabil, se creeaza intre ei un tip de intimitate, o intimitate psihologica. Cand se atinge acest punct, lucrurile sunt pe muchie de cutit. Ne aflam intr-o zona sensibila, dar si periculoasa.

Ca sa spunem lucrurilor pe nume, este important de stiut ca este nevoie sa se ajunga in aceasta zona, altfel terapia nu poate functiona. Putem sa ne imaginam acest lucru in felul urmator: pacientul are o rana, dar ascunde aceasta rana sub o armura (toti oamenii fac asta, nu numai clientii de psihoterapie); e nevoie sa dea armura jos pentru ca doctorul sa se poata ocupa de rana.

Dar asa cum am spus, lucrurile sunt pe muchie de cutit. Pacienta se deschide emotional, asta o face sa se simta mai bine, se simte inteleasa si atunci poate fi inclinata sa fantasmeze : Cum ar fi daca el ar fi la dispozitia mea nu doar o ora sau cateva ore pe saptamana, ci mai mult? Cum ar fi daca l-as lua pe doctor acasa? Cum ar fi daca el nu m-ar mai privi ca pe o simpla pacienta? Cum ar fi daca am avea o relatie romantica? Iubitii pe care i-am avut pana acum parca nu au fost atat de atenti la ceea ce simt eu asa cum este el…

In acest moment, lucrurile par a-si schimba cursul lor normal. Pacienta uita pentru ce a venit, uita ca ea are o rana, fie aceasta si sufleteasca, si isi imagineaza ca solutia tuturor problemelor ei ar fi o relatie cu un om care o asculta si o intelege – la urma urmei, nu cred atatia oameni ca iubirea vindeca orice? (pentru cei care cred asta, am o veste proasta: iubirea singura nu vindeca, ba de multe ori chiar complica lucrurile. Este nevoie de intelegere pentru a rezolva problemele. Iubirea nu ajuta decat daca ea sprijina intelegerea, construieste un context favorabil intelegerii).

Sa nu ne imbatam deci cu apa rece. Ati vreodata vazut oameni care au mers la spital/stomatolog si in momentul in care a sosit medicul sa faca interventia, deja se simteau mai bine, spuneau ca nu mai au nicio durere si vor sa plece acasa?

Ceva de genul acesta se intampla si in cabinetul de psihoterapie. Pacienta a scos armura, dar psihoterapeutul inca nu a apucat sa atinga rana prea mult.

Cu alte cuvinte, daca “dragostea” apare, ea risca sa scoata lucrurile de pe fagasul normal, distrage atentia de la adevaratul scop la terapiei. In acest moment, avem cel mult o pacienta indragostita, in niciun caz o pacienta vindecata. Chiar daca ar incepe o relatie romantica cu psihoterapeutul, aceasta relatie ar cunoaste, mai devreme sau mai tarziu, destinul celorlalte relatii din viata ei. De ce? Pentru ca tiparele ei de gandire, simtire si comportament nu apucat sa fie constientizate si transformate.

Un alt argument “anti-romantic” in contextul unei psihoterapii vizeaza faptul ca relatia psihoterapeutica este o relatie asimetrica si inegala. Spre deosebire de o relatie interumana obisnuita, in relatia psihoterapeutica doar nevoile unuia dintre protagonisti sunt exprimate si auzite: cele ale pacientului. Psihoterapeutul nu aduce nevoile sale in discutie.

Citeste si

Altfel spus, atmosfera “buna” din cadrul psihoterapeutic se datoreaza foarte mult si acestui fapt: doar nevoile pacientului conteaza. Asta spre deosebire de situatiile de viata obisnuite, in care ambii protegonisti isi aduc in joc nevoile si si le negociaza intre ei.

Ceea ce vreau sa spun este ca o relatie romantica cu persoana psihoterapeutului poate sa difere atat de mult de atmosfera din timpul sedintelor incat ea poate sa socheze si sa conduca pacienta la a spune: ”Dar eu nu asta mi-am imaginat, nu asta am vrut, tu nu esti persoana de care m-am indragostit!” Si asta-i adevarul. Un psihoterapeut poate fi extrem de disponibil in timpul sedintelor (asta-i cere meseria si asta corespunde interesului lui profesional), dar revoltator de indisponibil in afara lor – iar asta deriva din imuabila lege a echilibrului: dupa ce te ocupi de altii 6,8,10 ore pe zi, ai nevoie sa te ocupi si de tine.

Sper ca toate lucrurile pe care le-am scris mai sus sa iti creeze o imagine mai ampla si mai realista asupra situatiei in care te afli si sa iti ofere teme de reflectie. Intotdeauna merita sa ai grija ce iti doresti.

Iar cand incepi o terapie, ceea ce cred eu ca merita sa iti doresti este autocunoasterea. Psihoterapeutul faciliteaza o deschidere emotionala, fara de care nicio schimbare nu ar fi posibila, dar aceasta deschidere emotionala trebuie sa devina o deschidere emotionala fata de lume si fata de viata, nu sa se inchida in capsula stramta a relatiei cu psihoterapeutul.

Dupa ce aceasta deschidere emotionala a fost realizata, ea creeaza premisele pentru intelegere si autocunoastere. Cand aceste obiective au fost atinse, psihoterapeutul si-a indeplinit misiunea si el trebuie sa se retraga. Psihoterapeutul se retrage, iar ceea ce ramane pacientului sunt deschiderea emotionala si cunoasterea, abilitatile psihologice dobandite. O etapa s-a incheiat si o alta etapa incepe.

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View Comments (3)
  • “Ce credeti ca gandeste sau simte el, si de ce accepta si continua aceasta relatie cu mine?”
    Se simte flatat cu siguranta ca o femeie cu 10 ani mai tanara s-a indragostit de el. Care barbat ar rezista la 41 de ani unei astfel de propuneri venita parca din rugaciunile cu “Da Doamne sa castig la loto 6 din 49”? Niciunul. Ceea ce l-a facut sa ezite pentru inceput este situatia dvs pe care ati avut-o in Italia. Ca sa vorbiti la nivel de exprimat sentimente si trairi interioare cu un psiholog ma face sa cred ca ati stat in aceasta tara macar 5 ani dar romanilor le sunt destinate numai cateva meserii pe piata libera din Italia: menajera, chelnerita, camerista… De aici si reticenta lui de a se expune cunoscutilor cu o femeie dintr-o clasa sociala inferioara. Ulterior accepta comunicarea pe internet, dupa ce ati sosit in Romania, ca un fel de cordon ombilical care sa ii permita ca pe viitor sa dezvolte o relatie cu final sexual pe teritoriu strain si indepartat de sotia lui caci sunt sigur ca in anul de gratie 2014-decembrie deja aveti o relatie impreuna. Ar fi interesant sa ne faceti un update al situatiei.

  • Dar care este situatia in cazul unei terapii incheiate? (care a durat destul de mult, sa zicem 4-5 ani..
    Exista indicatii si in acest sens?

    Multumesc

    Pentru pacientul Shop&amp: Nu aveti de unde sa stiti situatia prezentata, asa ca nu mai aberati

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