Am si eu o problema cu fostul meu prieten. Ne-am despartit de aproape 2 luni de zile, deoarece era foarte gelos, iar acum nu ma lasa in pace, ma ameninta ca se omoara in fata mea daca nu ma impac inapoi cu el si ca eu o sa fiu de vina pentru asta deoarece el considera ca mi-am batut joc de el. As vrea sa stiu daca imi puteti da niste sfaturi sa il fac sa se razgandeasca si sa inteleaga ca viata este importanta si ca nu merita sa o pierzi din cauza unei deceptii.
Intrebare pusa de: Taloi, 20
Raspunsul psihologului:
Am sa iti spun cateva lucruri menite sa clarifice mai bine ce se intampla astfel incat tu, avand o perspectiva mai clara, sa te poti raporta mai bine la ceea ce ti se intampla.
In primul rand, trebuie constientizat faptul ca ceea ce face el (daca nu te impaci cu mine, ma omor in fata ta si tu o sa fii de vina pentru asta) este un santaj afectiv.
Oamenii au tot felul de fantezii despre iubire, care mai de care, dar un lucru este cert: santajul nu are nimic de a face cu iubirea, ci cu puterea. Daca el te santajeaza (si asta face), asta nu-i in niciun caz vreun semn ca te iubeste, ci ca isi doreste sa aiba putere asupra ta, vrea sa faci ce doreste el.
A iubi o persoana nu inseamna a o tine legata de tine cu orice pret, cu pretul nefericirii ei. Iar daca fericirea ta nu conteaza pentru el, atunci ce sens are aceasta relatie, incotro duce?!
A santaja nu este lucru demn, ci meschin.
Mai mult, el se comporta infantil, asemeni unui copil care se da cu fundul de pamant pentru a obtine ce isi doreste (vezi reclama la prezervativele Durex cu copilul care se tavaleste pe jos in supermarket pentru a obtine ce vrea). Chiar daca el este acum prea tanar pentru a fi barbat, cel putin merita sa aspire la a fi barbat in viitor.
In fine, daca cedezi santajului lui acum, asta se va transforma intr-un precedent, iar strategia lui santajista intr-o strategie de succes, astfel ca de fiecare data cand va dori ceva de la tine te va santaja. A ceda unui santaj nu este o solutie: este doar inceputul unui lung sir de santaje.
Lucrurile acestea le spun pentru tine. I le poti spune si lui, dar nu e nicio garantie ca va “percuta” la ele. Sigur, ele ii vor ramane in minte, la un moment dat se va produce declicul, dar este incert cand va veni acest moment.
Spun aceste lucruri in special pentru tine pentru ca important este ca tu sa fii clara si ferma in ceea ce iti doresti. Orice santajist simte punctul slab al celuilalt si de acela se agata. Tu poti primi cele mai bune sfaturi din lume, cele mai inspirate “mesaje de manipulare”, dar daca santajistul simte ca vorbele tale nu sunt ale tale, nu crezi in ele, el nu se va opri.
Punctul tau sensibil este culpabilitatea. Cu asta te ameninta el, ca te va face sa te simti vinovata pentru moartea lui.
El te invita intr-un rol: spune ca decizia de viata si de moarte iti apartine, desi in mod evident nu este asa. E evident ca nu-i asa, nu? Sper ca da, altfel avem o problema. Intrebarea cheie pentru tine este daca iti place sa simti ca ai putere asupra cuiva. Pentru ca daca iti place, asta este punctul tau sensibil, iar inconstientul lui va lucra in aceasta zona. Te ademeneste oferindu-ti un rol care iti place pentru ca apoi sa te poata santaja.
In plus, daca el simte ca tu te poti simti vinovata, dorinta lui de a fi din nou impreuna va face sa interpreteze aceasta vinovatie ca pe tristete, ca pe un regret ca va despartiti, ca pe un semn ca tu tii inca la el (nu vrei ca el sa moara, deci tii la el, el este intr-un fel inca important pentru tine).
Sa privim acum si partea pozitiva a lucrurilor.
El este un baiat, orgolios, ce-i drept, dar in suferinta. Vrea sa te recapete si insista, sperand ca scopul (a fi impreuna) va scuza mijloacele (santajul).
Este important sa fii sincera si sa-i spui ca vezi ca el sufera. Este important sa-i spui ca regreti ca el trebuie sa treaca prin aceasta suferinta, ca acest fapt nu te bucura si nu te flateaza.
Dar este de asemenea important sa-i spui ca nu iti face deloc placere santajul lui, ca nu il consideri a fi un lucru ok si nici demn de el. Ca ai luat o decizie in ceea ce priveste relatia voastra si crezi ca aceasta decizie este inteleapta pentru amandoi. Nu simti ca ai putea fi fericita cu el si nici el nu ar fericit cu o persoana ca tine, care tine la el, dar nu il iubeste. Iar dreptul de a hotari asupra vietii sau mortii lui ii apartine in exclusivitate lui, nu tie.
Este important de asemenea sa-i spui ca, desi vezi ca lui ii este greu sa se impace cu aceasta decizie, tu ai incredere ca el va putea trece prin aceasta suferinta si ca aceasta suferinta il va face mai puternic, il va face mai matur si mai intelept.
Ii poti spune multe alte lucruri sau mult mai putine, ii poti doar asculta suferinta, fara sa spui nimic, dar esential este ca tu sa fii absolut clara in interiorul tau ca: 1) nu mai vrei sa continui relatia cu el; 2) nu vrei ca el sa sufere, dimpotriva, vrei ca el sa fie fericit alaturi de altcineva; 3) nu vrei ca tu sa suferi.
Daca nu esti clara in privinta acestor lucruri, daca o cat de mica parte din sufletul tau il mai vrea inapoi, daca insistentele lui te flateaza, iti hranesc orgoliul, atunci inconstient vei intretine aceasta stare a lucrurilor, inconstient ii vei transmite mesaje sa te caute in continuare.
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