Cum sa scap de imaginea fostului

Cum sa scap de imaginea fostului

Va scriu pentru ca trec printr-o perioada in care ma confrunt cu niste intrebari ce nu imi dau pace. In urma cu 5 ani am avut o relatie de 6 luni destul de furtunoasa. Aceea relatie s-a incheiat brusc si neasteptat, el si-a continuat viata alaturi de altcineva, iar eu am stat 2 ani si jumatate singura incercand sa vad unde am gresind si dorind sa ma simt pe deplin vindecata de aceea relatie. In urma cu 2 ani am cunoscut un baiat cu care dupa scurt timp m-am si mutat, ne intelegem in regula, insa in capul meu este tot fostul prieten. Ma gandesc la el, il visez noaptea, sper sa il reintalnesc macar intamplaor (el ulterior s-a casatorit cu fata pentru care m-a parasit), ii verific Facebook-ul si ma gandesc foarte mult la el. Nu stiu ce sa fac, stiu ca atitudinea asta imi deterioreaza si actuala relatie caci prietenul meu simte ca nu ii sunt pe deplin dedicata. Ce ma sfatuti?

Intrebare pusa de: Diana, 25

Raspunsul psihologului:

Mda, este destul de clar ca pentru tine vechea relatie nu s-a incheiat. Chiar daca nu mai sunteti impreuna, in mintea ta relatia nu s-a incheiat. Iar daca nu s-a incheiat… asta inseamna ca e musai ca ea sa se incheie sau trebuie gasita o modalitate prin care ea sa continue?

Pare ca in tine exista dorinta de a continua (de a relua si continua) vechea relatie, dar evident aceasta dorinta se loveste de obstacole: relatia cu prietenul tau, pe care nu ai vrea totusi sa-l pierzi, sotia fostului si, nu in ultimul rand, lipsa dorintei fostului de a relua relatia cu tine.

As vrea sa subliniez faptul ca doar o mica parte dintr-o relatie se consuma in realitate, cea mai mare parte se joaca in mintile celor doi implicati in relatie. Din acest motiv, psihoterapeutii isi invita clientii sa-si exploreze fanteziile cu privire la celalalt si la relatia cu acesta.

Asa ca si eu am sa te invit pe tine sa iti imaginezi cum ar fi daca te-ai intalni intamplator cu fostul, asa cum spui ca iti doresti. Cum iti imaginezi ca ar decurge lucrurile? El s-ar bucura ca te-ar vedea sau ar trece pe partea cealalta a drumului? Ati merge impreuna la o cafea sa stati de vorba? Despre ce ati vorbi? Daca ati relua relatia, cum ar continua ea?

Dezvoltand aceste fantezii, vor deveni clare dorintele care te anima:
– vrei sa reluati relatia pentru ca intr-adevar il iubesti, el este important pentru tine (in ce fel?), te poti dezvolta/implini alaturi de el (cum vezi aceasta implinire?);
– vrei sa reluati relatia pentru a retrai pasiunea care exista intre voi si care lipseste in relatia actuala?
– vrei sa reluati relatia pentru a-ti pansa orgoliul ranit si eventual sa il parasesti tu pe el, tocmai atunci cand este mai indragostit, pentru a te razbuna?

Daca nu ti-l poti scoate din minte, daca tot te gandesti neincetat la el, cel putin gandeste-te la ce astepti de fapt de la el si in ce fel el este important pentru tine.

Iar in momentul in care iti este clar ce vrei de la el, merita sa va intalniti si sa discutati. Discutiile sunt importante in masura in care ele ajuta la clarificare. Spune-i ce simti pentru el, ce doresti de la el, fara insa a-i pretinde ca el sa iti indeplineasca dorintele.

Au trecut 5 ani, in 5 ani anumite lucruri se mai schimba si vei avea ocazia in cadrul acestor discutii sa observi daca el este in continuare omul pe care il vrei.

In fine, ca sa iti spun si cateva povesti adevarate, am intalnit oameni care au avut un inceput de relatie in tinerete, lucrurile au luat o intorsatura neasteptata si relatia s-a intrerupt brusc, pentru ca 10-15 ani mai tarziu sa se reintalneasca, amandoi casatoriti si cu copii, sa reia relatia ca amanti si sa se descopere, odata cu consumarea emotiilor, motivele (nepotrivirile) pentru care “soarta” ii despartise in trecut.

Deci, exista motive pentru care anumite lucruri se intampla si motive pentru care alte lucruri nu se intampla. Si ambele seturi de motive sunt importante.

De asemenea, obisnuiesc sa spun ca scenariul este aproape intotdeauna mai important decat actorul. Piesa poate fi jucata si daca actorul din rolul principal si-a dat demisia. Actorul poate fi inlocuit.

Important este sa intelegi in ce piesa vrei sa joci.

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