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Abuz si violenta

Abuz si violenta

Oare chiar sunt nebuna? L-am cunoscut pe actualul meu sot acum 5 ani si pe atunci mi s-a parut un om nemaipomenit. Avea o situatie mai speciala, divortase de 10 ani dar statea in casa cu fosta nevasta pentru ca nu aveau bani de partaj… Ne-am casatorit si la scurt timp ne-am mutat in casa cu fosta sotie, cu soacra mea si cu fata lor ce a fost incredintata tatalui la divort. Pe urma a inceput cosmarul meu. Sotul se schimba pe zi ce trecea, se apucase de baut, aproape 3 l de vin pe zi si au inceput scandalurile, bataile… Copilul nostru avea un an si el ma umplea de sange in fata lui. Era tot timpul gelos, nervos, dar am tacut si l-am iertat pentru ca l-am iubit si inca il mai iubesc. A inceput partajul si i-am achitat sotului meu datoria catre fosta sotie. Am stat 2 ani in casa cu ea timp in care copilul nostru statea inchis intr-o camera mica, facea baie in camera din cauza mizeriei din spatiile comune, asista la certuri zilnice, batai, politie etc A trecut totul, a plecat fosta sotie, am incercat sa uit cand ma strangea de gat sau cand se urca pe mine si ma tragea de par pana ramanea cu mainile pline… Am uitat cand mi-a tras un pumn in nas in fata copilului si mi-a tasnit sangele pe pereti… Am tacut si am uitat… Tot timpul se scuza ca el era nervos si bea si era violent pentru ca avea sa-i dea o suma foarte mare acelei femei. Am zis gata, o luam de la capat. Dar periodic are iesiri… Eu ma ocup de tot, de curatenie, casa, mancare, copil, servici, fata si mama lui stau pur si simplu si asteapta sa le servesc masa in camera si la urma sa ma duc sa le iau farfuriile. Am momente in care am senzatia ca o sa lesin de oboseala. El nu le spune nimic niciodata, imi spune mie ca sunt obsedata de curatenie si ca sunt nebuna. Insa ce s-a intamplat ieri a pus capac. Eram in camera cu cel mic, tocmai adormisem si a venit la mine sa-i caut ceva pe net. I-am spus ca nu pot atunci pentru ca sunt foarte obosita, m-a dracuit si a plecat. N-a mai vorbit cu mine, azi la fel, iar acum seara, inainte de a adormi copilul m-am dus sa-i spun noapte buna. Si-a inchis usa cu cheia, copilul plangea la usa sa-i dea drumul, dar nu vroia. L-am certat si eu, degeaba, a descuiat-o dar tinea usa cu piciorul si se chinuia sa ma loveasca. Mi-a prins mana si piciorul in usa si se chinuia sa dea cu usa mai tare sa fie sigur ca ma doare. Eu i-am aruncat cheile lovindu-l la umar. Toate astea in fata copilului de 3.5 ani care plangea disperat si spunea sa fiu calma, sa nu ma enervez, sa nu mai plang… Concluzia lui a fost urmatoarea: sunt nebuna, mama mea e nebuna, sora la fel, nu fac nimic toata ziua si poate mai bine divortam. Asta e 1%din tot ce mi s-a intamplat… Oare chiar sunt nebuna? Ce sa fac?

Intrebare pusa de: ionescu, 36

Raspunsul psihologului:

Mesajul tau, foarte intens emotional, ma face sa devin si mai acut constient de diferenta care exista intre o psihoterapie, care se desfasoara intr-un cadru psihoterapeutic si care presupune sedinte periodice pe o perioada mai lunga de timp, si situatia prezenta, in care exista doar o intrebare si eu trebuie sa dau un singur raspuns, fara posibilitatea de a putea investiga, explora, pune intrebari care sa ma lamureasca mai bine.

Subliniind deci faptul ca, desi eu sunt psihoterapeut, nu sunt totusi cu tine intr-un proces de psihoterapie, am sa actionez in acest raspuns pe care ti-l dau intr-un mod foarte diferit de cel uzitat intr-un proces psihoterapeutic.

Prin urmare, avand in vedere ca mesajul tau incepe si se termina cu intrebarea “Oare chiar sunt nebuna?”, am sa abordez aceasta intrebare, iar raspunsul meu este: “Da, chiar esti nebuna.”

Cand spun nebuna, nu ma refer la sensul psihiatric al cuvantului, stai linistita, nu esti nebuna, nu esti psihotica. Ma refer la sensul largit al acestuia, respectiv la o lipsa a echilibrului, la o intunecare a judecatii, la o alunecare periculoasa de pe “carosabilul” securizant si rezonabil al gandirii si emotiilor.

Iti ofer acest raspuns (“Da, chiar esti nebuna”) pentru ca este un raspuns pe care deja il stii, intrebarea ta “Oare chiar sunt nebuna?” este o intrebare intr-un sens retorica, in alt sens o intrebare-raspuns, un mugure de insight.

Dintr-o data, te intrerupi din sirul gandurilor in care pledezi pentru “nebunia” sotului tau si a familiei lui si apare brusc in minte o alta posibilitate: dar daca sunt eu (sau sunt si eu) “nebuna”? Este un gand pretios, pe care vreau sa-l subliniez, pentru ca marea majoritate a oamenilor, dupa ce au un astfel de gand, se grabesc sa-l ingroape, sa-l alunge din minte si sa se intoarca in lupta cu ceilalti “nebuni”.

Nebunia ta consta in faptul ca pui ideea si sentimentul de iubire intr-un scenariu horror, extrem de violent. El te loveste, tu il iubesti. Iubirea este legata la tine de violenta. Asta e nebunia ta, iar vindecarea va aparea in momentul in care vei putea sa pui iubirea intr-un scenariu armonios si asta sa iti ofere bucurie.

Nu este deloc usor. Oamenii isi apara nebunia cu dintii, gasesc tot felul de motive pentru a nu renunta la ea si e uimitor cat de des aceste motive au de-a face cu “dragostea”. Multi oameni confunda usor pasiunea cu agresivitatea, in secolul XX inca foarte multi francezi gaseau scuze pentru crimele pasionale (crimele din dragoste) si inca vedeau in acestea elemente romantice.

Daca ai sta sa asculti multi oameni si sa le dai crezare, ai zice ca toate relele de pe acest pamant se fac din dragoste!

Nu stiu nimic despre familia ta, dar imi imaginez ca intr-un fel sau altul a existat violenta, fizica sau verbala, in familia ta. Cei abuzati emotional cauta inconstient abuzul, abuzul a devenit familiarul lor, se hranesc din emotii violente.

Au un “talent” special de a detecta persoane cu potential violent (chiar daca la prima vedere acestea par pasnice si la locul lor), cu care intra in relatii care se transforma curand in cosmaruri. Adesea chiar sunt acuzate de cei din jur ca au un “talent” deosebit in a scoate ce este mai rau din oameni.

Asa imi imaginez eu ca este acea parte din tine despre care nu ai vorbit. Si iti spun aceste lucruri pentru ca, intr-o anumita masura, esti pregatita sa le auzi.

Ca sa-l parafrazez pe anticul intelept chinez Lao Tse, cel care isi da seama ca este bolnav (“nebun”), a pasit deja pe drumul spre vindecare.

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